When Honesty Is Overrated in Relationships

From childhood, honesty is framed as a moral north star. Tell the truth. Don’t lie. Say what you mean, no matter the cost. But adult relationships quickly expose the limits of that lesson. Instead of building closeness, some truths erode it—especially when honesty is delivered without care, context, or concern for the person on the receiving end.

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Engler points to Gottman’s Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—identified by psychologists John and Julie Gottman to describe what they call the four destructive communication patterns that often cause a relationship to break down. Contempt, criticism, and defensiveness go hand-in-hand with harsh honesty, she says. “Those things will wear somebody down to the point that they’re ready to leave,” she says. “You really can’t underestimate the damage they can do.”

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