How to Have Deeper Conversations With Anyone

Most people slide into Robert Roble’s car, pop in their earbuds, and signal that they’d rather not talk. Roble has spent eight years and nearly 12,000 Lyft rides trying to change their minds. By the time he pulls up to their destination, a surprising number have taken their earbuds out, and some have told him it was the best conversation they’d had in weeks. While many of us assume strangers want to be left alone, Roble is cheerful proof that we’re often wrong—and that the distance between small talk and real talk is shorter than it looks.

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What Roble figured out by trial and error, researchers have measured. People badly underestimate how interested others are in connecting—and how good a deeper conversation will actually feel, says University of Chicago behavioral scientist Nicholas Epley, author of A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection. His research suggests that we brace for awkwardness and come away happier, more connected, and more understood than we predicted. 

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