Why Love Literally Hurts

Most of us see the connection between social and physical pain as a figurative one. We agree that “love hurts,” but we don’t think it hurts the way that, say, being kicked in the shin hurts. At the same time, life often presents a compelling argument that the two types of pain share a common source. Old couples frequently make the news because they can’t physically survive without one another. In one example from early 2012, Marjorie and James Landis of Johnstown, Pennsylvania, who’d been married for 65 years, died just 88 minutes apart.

Truth is you don’t have to be a sentimentalist to believe in broken hearts — being a subscriber to the New England Journal of Medicine will do. A few years ago a group of doctors at Johns Hopkins University reported a rare but lethal heart condition caused by acute emotional distress. The problem is technically known as “stress cardiomyopathy,” but the press likes to call it “broken heart syndrome,” and medical professionals don’t object to the nickname.

Behavioral science is catching up with the anecdotes, too. In the past few years, psychology researchers have found a good deal of literal truth embedded in the metaphorical phrases comparing love to pain. Neuroimaging studies have shown that brain regions involved in processing physical pain overlap considerably with those tied to social anguish. The connection is so strong that traditional bodily painkillers seem capable of relieving our emotional wounds. Love may actually hurt, like hurt hurt, after all.

A Neural Couple

Hints of a neural tie between social and physical pain emerged, quite unexpectedly, in the late 1970s. APS Fellow Jaak Panksepp, an animal researcher, was studying social attachment in puppies. The infant dogs cried when they were separated from their mothers, but these distress calls were much less intense in those that had been given a low dose of morphine, Panksepp reported in Biological Psychiatry. The study’s implication was profound: If an opiate could dull emotional angst, perhaps the brain processed social and physical pain in similar ways.

Panksepp’s findings on social distress were replicated in a number of other species — monkeys, guinea pigs, rats, chickens. The concept was hard to test in people, however, until the rise of neuroimaging decades later.

A breakthrough occurred in an fMRI study led by APS Fellow Naomi Eisenberger of University of California, Los Angeles. The researchers knew which areas of the brain became active during physical pain: the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which serves as an alarm for distress, and the right ventral prefrontal cortex (RVPFC), which regulates it. They decided to induce social pain in test participants to see how those areas responded.

Eisenberger and colleagues fed participants into a brain imaging machine and hooked them into a game called Cyberball — essentially a game of virtual catch. Participants were under the impression that two other people would be playing as well. In actuality, the other players were computer presets controlled by the researchers.

Some test participants experienced “implicit” exclusion during the game. They watched as the other two players tossed the virtual ball, but were told that technical difficulties had prevented them from joining the fun. Others experienced “explicit” exclusion. In these cases, the computer players included the participant for seven tosses, then kept the ball away for the next 45 throws.

When Eisenberger and colleagues analyzed the neural images of exclusion, they discovered “a pattern of activations very similar to those found in studies of physical pain.” During implicit exclusion, the ACC acted up while the RVPFC stayed at normal levels. (The brain might have recognized this exclusion as accidental, and therefore not painful enough to merit corrective measures.) During explicit social exclusion, however, both ACC and RVPFC activity increased in participants.

The study inspired a new line of research on neural similarities between social and physical pain. “Understanding the underlying commonalities between physical and social pain unearths new perspectives on issues such as … why it ‘hurts’ to lose someone we love,” the researchers concluded in a 2003 issue of Science.

In a review of studies conducted since this seminal work, published in the February 2012 issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science, Eisenberger offered a potential evolutionary reason for the relationship. Early humans needed social bonds to survive: things like acquiring food, eluding predators, and nursing offspring are all easier done in partnership with others. Maybe over time this social alert system piggybacked onto the physical pain system so people could recognize social distress and quickly correct it.

“In other words,” wrote Eisenberger, “to the extent that being separated from a caregiver or from the social group is detrimental to survival, feeling ‘hurt’ by this separation may have been an adaptive way to prevent it.”

Physical Pain Dies, Lost Love Doesn’t

Psychologists believe that physical pain has two separate components. There is the sensory component, which gives basic information about the damage, such as its intensity and location. There’s also an affective component, which is a more qualitative interpretation of the injury, such as how distressing it is.

Initial studies that followed Eisenberger’s pioneering work focused on the affective component. (The ACC, for instance, is closely related to affective pain — so much so that animals without that part of their brain can feel pain but aren’t bothered by it.) As a result, researchers began to think that while the qualitative aspects of social and physical pain might overlap, the sensory components might not.

Recently that thinking has changed. A group of researchers, led by Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan, believed that social pain might have a hidden sensory component that hadn’t been found because games like Cyberball just weren’t painful enough. So instead they recruited 40 test participants and subjected them to a far more intense social injury: the sight of an ex-lover who’d broken up with them.

Kross and colleagues brought test participants into a brain imaging machine and had them complete two multi-part tasks. One was a social task: Participants viewed pictures of the former romantic partner while thinking about the breakup, then viewed pictures of a good friend. The other was a physical task: Participants felt a very hot stimulation on their forearm, and also felt another that was just warm.

As expected from prior research, activity in areas associated with affective pain (such as the ACC) increased during the more intense tasks (seeing the “ex” and feeling the strong heat). But activity in areas linked with physical pain, such as the somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula, also increased during these tasks. The results suggested that social and physical pain have more in common than merely causing distress — they share sensory brain regions too.

“These results give new meaning to the idea that rejection ‘hurts,’” the researchers concluded in a 2011 issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Still it’s not quite accurate to say that physical and social pain are exactly the same. As other research suggests, social pain may actually be much worse in the long run. A kick to the groin might feel just as bad as a breakup in the moment, but while the physical aching goes away, the memory of lost love can linger forever.

A research group led by Zhansheng Chen at Purdue University recently demonstrated this difference in a series of experiments. During two self-reports, people recalled more details of a past betrayal than a past physical injury and also felt more pain in the present, even though both events had been equally painful when they first occurred. During two cognitive tests, people performed a tough word association task significantly more slowly when recalling emotional pain than when recalling physical pain.

“Our findings confirmed that social pain is easily relived, whereas physical pain is not,” the researchers reported in a 2008 issue of Psychological Science.

Heart-Shaped Box (of Tylenol)

There is a bright side to the new line of research linking social and physical pain: Remedies for one may well double as therapy for the other. A group of psychological researchers, led by C. Nathan DeWall of the University of Kentucky, recently tested whether acetaminophen — the main ingredient in Tylenol — could relieve the pain of emotional distress as effectively as it relieves bodily aches.

In one experiment, some test participants took a 500-mg dose of acetaminophen twice a day for three weeks, while others took a placebo. All 62 participants provided self-reports on a “hurt feelings” scale designed to measure social exclusion. After Day 9, people who took the pain pill reported significantly lower levels of hurt feelings than those who took a placebo.

As a follow-up study, DeWall and colleagues gave either acetaminophen or a placebo to 25 test participants for three weeks, then brought them into the lab to play Cyberball. When participants were excluded from the game, those in the acetaminophen group showed significantly lower activity in their ACC than those in the placebo group — a sign that the painkiller was relieving social pain just as it normally did physical pain.

“For some, social exclusion is an inescapable and frequent experience,” the authors conclude in a 2010 issue of Psychological Science. “Our findings suggest that an over-the-counter painkiller normally used to relieve physical aches and pains can also at least temporarily mitigate social-pain-related distress.”

The effect breaks both ways. In another report from Psychological Science, published in 2009, a research group led by Sarah Master of University of California, Los Angeles, found that social support could relieve the intensity of physical pain — and that the supportive person didn’t even have to be present for the soothing to occur.

Master and colleagues recruited 25 women who’d been in relationships for at least six months and brought them into the lab with their romantic partner. They determined each woman’s pain threshold, then subjected her to a series of six-second heat stimulations. Half of the stimulations were given at the threshold pain level, half were given one degree (Celsius) higher.

Meanwhile the woman took part in a series of tasks to measure which had a mitigating effect on the pain. Some involved direct contact (holding the partner’s hand, a stranger’s hand, or an object) while others involved visual contact (viewing the partner’s photo, a stranger’s photo, or an object). In the end, contact involving a romantic partner — both direct and visual alike — led to significantly lower pain ratings compared to the other tasks. In fact, looking at a partner’s picture led to slightly lower pain ratings than actually holding his hand.

At least for all the hurt love causes, it has an equally powerful ability to heal.


As a child I suffered emotional and physical and sexual abuse..I was abandoned as a baby, and was adopted by a very sick person….my whole life has been about getting stable…which I am now. Now I have very severe physical pain. it started a few years back. Mostly burning nerve pain. They can’t find any answers other than to say their is something haywire in the neuro pathways to the brain…I keep wondering if it is stemming from my childhood. There was no love at all, only beatings…tried to take my life at 12. It is interesting that I have made a good life for myself, and now I have to deal with this debilitating pain. Sure would like to know if there is a correlation…

Studying polyvagal theory helped me understand my chronic pain quite a bit. Also there is an awesome book called The Body Keeps the Score. Understanding my rewiring has helped a lot.

when me and my ex broke up for the first time, i felt extreme physical pain in my chest, to the point where i clutched at my chest and screamed and cried. it hurt like hell, and i wanted to die due to the amount of pain. but i am over that now… for the most part.

all it took was a new person to help me forget and learn to love again. btw…. i’m a girl, despite my name.

One year ago ex dumped me after 4 years together, my grandma died last year and my lovely dog girl I was so attached to, my only friend, this year. My son suffers from deep schizophrenia and is in hospital now. My financial situation is crap. How much more can you take?
Recently I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I don’t sleep, I practically don’t eat and I’m having this awful chest pain a few times a day. It just pops up out of the blue, even then when I’m not thinking about my misery. Stomach cramps I’m having is nothing compared to it. It bangs me, twists my heart, I can’t take a breath. It goes like that for some minutes then there’s this constant dull pain right in the middle of my chest. I read it’s called stress cardiomyopathy. Broken heart….

I was with my mum when she arrested and passed away. At the same time my mum was arresting I had chest pain. I have not mention it to anyone /family

abandonment and sexual disorders are their any studies related to this study of heart break.

I was adopted from Russia when I was 2 years old. The family that adopted me seems like they would be the best thing that I could have, but I keep looking at my friends and their family’s and how they all have a real mom and dad, and fit in with their family. It makes me want to cry thinking about why my biological mom wouldn’t of kept me. I live in Iowa a d I keep thinking about her. I don’t know what she looks like, and I want to know. My heart aches not knowing wether she loved me or not.

I believe your birth mother must have loved you very much to want you to have more than she could ever give you. I have never had a child, but adopted one myself and I hope you will be comforted by this.


Prayer and silence helps.
I need to discipline myself to pray and to intentionally seek silence.

the first line is only wrong.it truely hurts when u fall in love.asked the one who had experienced it.I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN MY FRST TRUE LOVE.IT JUST FEEKS AS IF THE PAIN IN UR CHEST OR HEART WILL KILL U.U CRY ALL THE TIME.U CANT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT HIMOR HER.IT JUST PHYSICALLY PAIN.so plz dont give wrong msgs and researches.i beg u

Love doesn’t have to hurt but it can if you allow it too. Turning to God isn’t going to take it away.When you had been betrayed by a partner the betrayer and the betrayed are both hurting.. Its one of the most painful things to deal with when people fall out of love.. I can’t stand people that say move on. Crying is not a sign of weakness. I wish I had a magic wand but I don’t.. Therapists don’t help and neither do councilors.. They don’t know you.. Only you know you..:-)

No, in many cases therapists/counselors might not help… But, if that therapist or counselor knows pain and trauma of a similar degree, it can change everything. It takes someone who has walked down a similar broken path to understand. True, only you can know yourself. A therapist who doesn’t dwell on working within the box (because really, there is no box) or see you as another file or more paperwork.. They CAN make a difference and CAN help even the ones who everyone else has given up on… I’m speaking from both sides of that coin…

My wife died in September 2014. I watched her die twice: once on our couch as the paramedics worked on her and then when they removed life support. It’s the end of March 2015 – over 6 months since she died. I am still overwhelmed with the pain of losing her. If I didn’t have a 5 year old to care for I would have purposely followed her. My head aches and my chest hurts every time I think of her. My blood pressure is through the roof. The V.A. is worthless when it comes to help. We were both disabled veterans and there are times I wonder if their lack of care for her pushed her over. I’ve been given the crappy lie that “God had a plan for her, a plan of love.” No “god” of love would take a loving mother and wife away from a toddler and an adoring husband. Counselors have been no help whatsoever. All I know is I hurt so much and I wish she were here,

I found this article because I wanted to know why love (and precisely what you have been talking about, lost love) hurts so badly physically. I’m not sure what to think now that I know that it isn’t likely to go away.

it makes me sick to think about these researchers torturing poor animals for the sake of this stupid study. shame on them. any normal human knows instinctively that separation from a mother hurts, that painful stimuli is. duh, painful. that love lost physically hurts. again, shame on them for hurting innocent animals for this stupid study

JD McLeod, i can’t agree more. I won’t even pretend to feel as significant and devastating a loss as you have, yet i understand your pain. I lost my mother three years ago (she was only 42) and i still think about her every day. I don’t believe in any “plan” for her. The only thing i believe is she had 3 different liver diseases (none of which born of alchohol abuse, she never drank) and each disease a great pain on its own. She doesn’t hurt anymore, but i do and it’s only the faint love of others that keeps me out of that abyss. I’d wish you the best but all i can hope to wish you is relief.

I have been married for 14 years but been with my husband for 23 years and I found out about him cheating. So the initial shock of it, I felt like he literally died, I mean I was in full on mourning. I did not understand but reading about all this it makes sense.

Evolution is a double edged sword, no doubt. There’s no hope to get my lost love back. Time for this pain to end!!! I need an evolutionary bypass because I don’t see having another romantic love in my life.

And I mean an evolutionary bypass BESIDES believing in an all-loving invisible being that’s going to care for you. Though I can see how that works. I have to be honest with myself about reality.

It comes as no surprise to me that science had findings connecting loss and physical pain. I have been running from emotional wounds surrounding abandonment all my life, as well as addictive behavior. I first became hooked on opiates in my early twenties. I always felt I was stuffing my emotions.

I dont understand what all these strange studies trying to proove…whatever, they r not going to lessen the pain anyway.
i m totally disheartened now that this betrayal pain i m suffering which is hurting me so much that it has become a threat for life, cannot be done with. Its there to stay…no one can help me and i cannt live with this distress for all life…hurting n feeling robbed of all my emotions and feelings. This god thing and his plan…i simply dont agree with.

My boyfriend and I have what we think is separation anxiety and it’s a literal physical pain…

My husband and I have been married for 7 years recently his oldest daughter 17 going to live with us. My husband has severe PTSD and has had a couple of brain injuries from being deployed overseas. He’s been good about taking his medicine and things were going fine until here lately after his daughter came to live with us. He’s attacked me a couple of times since September and this time I finally decided that I needed to leave. I don’t want to but I have to. My emotions are so incredibly overwhelming that they’re manifesting physically. I can’t concentrate, I can’t eat, I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up, my stomach is in knots and I can’t stop the diarrhea. Can’t turn my brain off I can’t stop hurting. I hate how this feels. My heart and my soul feel literally broken

Stay strong. No one deserves any kind of abuse no matter what someone went through. You don’t deserve that. It feels like hell now but in time it will get better. It takes a long time but just take it day by day and I promise you you’ll be ok. It’s corny but so true that time really does heal. But you have to stay away and start anew. You did the right thing for everyone and by being strong you’re helping you too which matters, you matter. Well done on the positive steps you’ve taken to do that it wouldn’t have been easy but if you have done that for yourself you’ve already come through the hardest and can do anything from there even if at times it feels though and you will be ok in time. Just keep moving little steps each day. best wishes 🙂

my boyfriend and I have both in ways betrayed each other in our past relationship. we were together for 3 years and had a child together. she is now 10 months old and we broke up a month ago. it has been really hard for me to move on from the relationship that we were in even though it was so incredibly painful at times. I felt pain in my chest and stomach every day for at least 2 years and now that we are broken up I still feel it. the pain has gone down greatly but when he comes over to see our daughter I sometime feel my chest and stomach aching terribly. part of me wants to run back to him when it hurts so badly and another part of me wishes I never would have to see him again.

That must be really hard for you because raising a child up on your own must really be stressful but just stay strong and give the best to your child. Also know that people change throughout their lives and you can never live a perfect live. I hope everything will become easier for you.

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